Ayres Insanity

       Being a mom can be hard, it feels heavy a lot of the time, and so often I feel like my kids success depends fully on me. They’re older now, I don’t have to chase them around and meet their every need, it certainly isn’t as physically demanding as it used to be, but the mental load can be hard to carry alone.       There are so many emotions that come with older kids, you worry about everything. Do they have good friends? Have I taught them how to function in the world without me? Do they have a testimony? I’m pretty sure dads don’t lie awake at night worrying about these things, but moms do. And the weird part is that the older they get, the more they need the influence of their dads, good friends and other trusted adults. I know my kids love me, but it seems like I am becoming less influential in their lives, and that can be a hard pill to swallow, s o I’m always especially grateful when someone steps in and does something that I can’t....

    2024 was a lot. Truthfully, I’m not even sure where to start, but it has been a whirlwind.   I suppose it would be best to start with my gains, most importantly I gained a daughter-in-law! In my last post, I mentioned Hayley, The love of Taevin‘s life. They spent the first year of Taevin‘s college experience in Cedar city together, But as their relationship progressed, and there was talk of marriage, they decided to come home and make those future plans a priority. It was fun having Taevin home from college, for the first month or two he was so full of gratitude for the luxuries of home, I guess being on your own for a while makes you realize how good you have it when mom is around. Anyway, they came home at the end of April and Taevin started planning his proposal. Russ and I took him to a local jeweler who was fantastic! Instead of just creating one ring, he made three just for Taevin! He wanted to make sure everything was perfect and that Hayley was getting exactly...

    Have you ever had a thought, like kind of a weird one? One that that pops back into your head often and you're not sure why? I think we have a tendency to question these thoughts and wonder, "Is this just me being crazy or could this possibly be from God?"    I remember thinking several years ago about surrogacy, most women hate being pregnant, but I never have, and the thought intrigued me. I looked into it, but at the time, Aspen was still little and the intensity of it overwhelmed me.    It has popped into my brain several times over the years, I’ve even mentioned it to Russ before, but he has always responded with an adamant “no way”, he (along with most people) thinks it’s weird. I on the other hand don’t think it’s weird, and it came up again about six months ago. It was the last day of school, and I along with another mom, Heidi, had taken the girls to the lake for an end of school party, her husband, Curtis was there as well, they...

    I really should spend more time on this blog, It's the only kind of journaling I do, and our lives are so full of things that are worth remembering. I actually had to re-read the last post so I could remember what I needed to catch up on.    As per the usual, the kids went back to school in the fall, Taevin entered his senior year which was exciting and crazy and involved some ups & downs. The nice part was that since he had most of his required credits completed, his schedule was pretty flexible and I got to spend a little extra time with him. The awful part was that he had his first relationship... and she was a nightmare to put it lightly. I find it interesting that people get so worried about their daughters being mistreated in a relationship (and I'm no exception) but few really consider the possibility of their sons being in an abusive relationship, but when it happens, there are few things more heart-breaking for a mama. Let me...

       It's the middle of July, I just got back from the pool with Rebecca and the girls, who are now playing at her house for the evening. The boys are at FSY and Russ is at work. The house is quiet, except for the ice cream maker that is running downstairs, but this is a rare event so I figured I'd sit down and make the most  of it.     My last post was a little sad, but the reality of it is that I was a little  a lot sad. It's not like I wanted to die and leave my family or anything, but I certainly didn't feel like I was truly living, so I finally broke down and talked to my doctor who put me on a medication that has helped immensely! Like seriously, this was the kindest act of self-care I've ever done for myself and I wish I would've done it years ago. I'm finally the mom I've always wanted to be... for the most part anyway.      The world is getting weirder and more evil by the day, but I'm handling it, and...

    I've  mentioned a few times how I feel about this "pandemic". A hoax, a man-made virus, fear mongering with side effects far more dangerous than the virus itself, and an agenda driven by politics and those seeking power. This has been going on for nearly 2 years now and there's always some new scheme to assert control over the masses; new variants, masks, vaccines and boosters. Everyone is confused and divided, and I'm tired.  I have sought inspiration and feel like the Lord has supported my decisions, and as long as He has my back, nothing else matters, right? That's what I thought, until my answers went against what the prophet was saying. I mean how does that even work? I was always taught that my personal revelation would never contradict the council of the Lord's prophet. So I cling to Jesus like a life-line, knowing that at least He understands me, even when my priesthood leaders see me as rebellious and lacking faith, or at least t...

    I don't always dream, and I don't  always remember them clearly when I do have them, but when it's a happy dream I'm super grateful when I wake up thinking about it. Last night I dreamed about grandma. I've had a couple of dreams about her since she passed and it always makes me smile.     It's weird because I rarely dream about my dad, I wish I did because I really miss him too, and he left me with so many questions that it'd be nice if he checked in once in a while, but I guess he must have a full schedule on the other side.     Anyway, I'm grateful that I was able see grandma for a bit last night. She looked so beautiful, still like a grandma, but not as old and frail as she was at the end. As soon as I saw her I ran and gave her the biggest hug, it was funny because I offered to have her stay at my house (she must have known that we sold hers), but she declined because my house was too full of noise and chaos, I get tha...